Game of Thrones Episode 5 review
So I am little sick of the million spoilers
for GOT that social media is abound with, that too without any form of Spoiler Alert* caution,
which has truly led me to declare Monday as a social media avoidance day till I
have caught up with the latest episode.
And I figured it’s best to follow the age
old policy of ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’. So here goes the effort of trying
to review the latest episode of Game of Thrones with a comical perspective.
Plus, if nothing else, this will at least prevent the ass whooping I get in
QuizUp (Topic GOT) against participants from pretty much everywhere in this
world. Call me a racist, but it really felt sucky having lost to someone from
Bangladesh.
P.S: I haven’t read the book, and am not
even inclined to, since that will essentially prove to be a big clustered ball
of spoilers for me. Don’t want to ruin a show I am enjoying that way. Any
prediction I would be making in the course of review, would be purely from my
judgement and not prior knowledge.
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The episode kick starts with the crowning
ceremony of sweet little Tommen Baratheon, aka Incest Son 2, which proceeds
without any complication, so much to our relief. Kid Tommen, with all his niceness,
indeed feels like the male version of Daenerys Targaryen, which judging from
how Westeros is for men, essentially means he will be dead by the end of the
season. He even does this sweet little gesture of exchanging glances with
prospective wife Margaery, which goes surprisingly well with Cersei. Cersei and
Margaery even have a decent respectful conversation, which somehow I could not
fathom, considering Cersei’s disdain for Margaery, courtesy the latter being a
fellow conniving woman, has already been established. Probably Cersei heard of
the phrase ‘Kyuki Saans bhi kabhi bahu thi’ and saw the inner Tulsi in
Margaery. I really would never know.
Cersei would then go on to lobby with Tywin
and subsequently Oberyn, (the 3rd Judge for Tyrion’s fate) trying to
not-so-subtly get them in favour of her view of judgement for Tyrion. At which
point everyone’s inner voice shouts out “HE’S YOUR BROTHER FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE.
STOP COMPENSATING FOR YOUR EXCESSIVE TWISTED LOVE FOR ONE BROTHER WITH HATRED
FOR THE OTHER”.
Tywin went on to give Cersie a typical South Delhi dad-daughter lecture
about how bad they are doing monetarily and how their fiscal deficit makes
India’s seem like a shining story.
Apparently, having enough resources and money, and still screwing up with debt has
always been a white people thing. I love the references to the Iron Bank of
Braavos, which seem so much like the GOT version of World Bank; giving loans
here and there to essentially make countries fight amongst each other while
getting them to agree to their well-thought stipulations. I can almost visualize
a UNO for Westeros as well. Go Ser Ban Ki Moon.
Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen is put up in
a dilemma to either charge at King’s landing with some recently acquired ships
or stay back to free the slaves she had already freed once, but who seem to
have been enslaved again. Talk about incompetent friggin people. “YAY, We’re
free!! (Enter New Masters) Oh shit, not again.” Taking into consideration that
her army is not there yet in terms of strength and how she has to be all
righteous, she makes the second choice. Also, I don’t get why her main advisor Jorah
feels that they would not be able to take over King’s Landing. She has DRAGONS
for heaven’s sakes. Does he not know how awesome dragons are? If Bhutan were to
have actual dragons (not the imaginary ones they currently do), they would have
been capable of giving India a scare or two. Go Dani Targaria (attempted pun at an RHCP
song), King’s landing is yours for the taking. Curb the
Martin Luther in you, and go get it.
Littlefinger/Lord Baelish and Sansa arrive
at her aunt’s (Lysa Arryn, sister of now departed Lady Stark) place, at which I
was frankly a little relieved initially, because knowing Lord Baelish, god
knows which ‘Sex Cave’ he could have taken her. Here we get to again see Lysa
Arryn’s sweet and innocent son Robin (excessive sarcasm), who some might remember wanted to
make Tyrion fly through his “Moon Door” last season. You might recall Robin has
been breast-fed by his mother till an age he really shouldn't have been and seems like a miniature version of Joffrey. So when we hear of his mother’s plans of
hooking up Sansa with him, you indeed feel for Sansa. The poor thing really
seems to be a magnet for Twisted sadistic younglings and has managed to jump
out of the frying pan right into fire.
We also get to know that apparently Lysa
Arryn and Lord Baelish have been quite an item, so much so that she poisoned
her husband (who was also the Hand of King before Ned Stark in the opening of
Season 1) at the behest of Littlefinger, while all thought it was the
Lannisters. Lysa Arryn also apparently has a libido that puts Sherlyn Chopra to
shame and wants to marry Lord Baelish, something to which he agrees just so
that she shut up about the poisoning of her husband. Obviously he wasn’t expecting
that she would have a priest right outside the door to put that to action. Talk
about not giving a man even a second for double thoughts. Lysa Arryn also
promises to scream like hell when they consummate their marriage and boy,
scream she did. It’s little ironical that the guy who’s causing all
that screaming has been being given a nickname ‘Littlefinger’. Lisa Arryn also has a
nice sweet conversation with Sansa, asking very pleasantly if she had been
impregnated by Littlefinger. Such a normal aunt-niece conversation. And to
think of it, all that my aunt ever asks me is ‘Beta, shaadi kab kar rahe ho’.
Brienne and Pod continue on their journey
and get to know each other a little more. Pod apparently is a complete city-boy
squire who can’t do shit when on a roadtrip and Brienne starts giving him some
credit only after knowing he has at least one murder to his name. Such are the
ways of Westeros, clearly an ace requirement for blossoming friendship. Their story seems
like a little less twisted and gender-interchanged version of Arya and Hound’s
personal little adventure. Talking of which, our sweet little Arya is getting more
sinister by the day and has started this cute practice of loudly naming everyone
she wants to kill before sleeping every night. This sort of explains how the
first thing she goes for in morning is a little bit of sword practice. Arya’s
ballerina style of sword practice doesn’t sit well with our Brock “Hound”
Lesnar whose life’s motto seems ‘Elegance be damned, I’ll just eat my
opponent’.
Meanwhile in wild wild North, John Snow’s
Night Watch party is getting ready to strike at Craster’s Keep, where of course
Bran and his troupe are held hostage. The big bad bully at the Craster’s Keep
who thought there’ll be no end to his Haryanwi ways of raping around is finally
killed by our awesome Snow boy. This frees all the women in Craster’s Keep, who
had not really had the best of times for the last few days, months and pretty much
all their life. I can almost visualize them forming a Gulaabi Gang of their
own. Move over Madhuri, Westeros ladies in the house!! Also in a moment that
would have done Maneka Gandhi proud, John Snow’s dire wolf Ghost has the last
laugh against Rast, one of the Haryanwi guys, who had been sadistically
tormenting him last episode.
But my personal favourite moment of the
show was when Hodor does something that is not so eh…Hodor-like. When Locke of
the night watch (who has made Jon trust in him by now) tries to abduct Bran, the
latter possesses Hodor, who simply breaks Locke’s neck displaying strength that
would make Hound feel like a small girl in comparison. This made me cheer for
Hodor like I cheered for Austin in class 6th (not sure if kids they
still do that). Personally, I think Hodor is awesomeness redefined.
Wouldn’t it be just brilliant if one day Hodor just shouts out something like
‘Teri ma ki chut langde, mai nahi utha raha tujhe’. Honestly, I would be
willing to give anything to see that happen. In my mind, Westeros should just
have one king and that is Hodor. Cheers for Hodor, In Hodor we trust.
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